| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
  Is my kid normal? Transcript Ross Greenwood: Children being children … We've all seen the type of behaviour — yelling, screaming, tantrums. We often look on with disdain, or judgment. But if we're a parent, we just might feel compassion and empathy, because we've probably endured similar moments ourselves, with our own kids. But what do we do when our children seem to excel above and beyond what seems like "normal" behaviour? Jenny Smith: With my first one every waking moment, he just cried, and cried, and cried. Ross Greenwood: Not so long ago, we might have even been one of these seemingly loud, precocious, children ourselves. So why should we expect our own children to be any different? Well these days, it appears that they just are a bit different. Some may say "special". And it's the parents who have a lot to do with it. Terri Hardwick: I think that there are a lot of older parents today. They are holding down very high-powered careers. They are result orientated, and they, that comes through into their family life. They expect to see results. If I do this, this should happen. It doesn't work like that. Ross Greenwood: There are times in every parent's life when they say to themselves, 'You know, I don't think that kid is quite normal'. Now the issue is trying to distinguish between normal behaviour and abnormal, and remembering, of course, that every parent's generation has different expectations of their kids. The trick about children's behaviour is trying to work out when abnormal is simply normal, and when you need professional help. This kid, I think he is normal, maybe not! Emma Hardwick: Sometimes he comes across as a bit obsessive compulsive and I think, you know these tendencies are so strange, he treats other children very strangely, and yeah, he's not very good socially, and you don't know whether to pursue it or think, oh well, that's him, and that's his personality, let's just move on and hopefully he'll grow out of it. Ross Greenwood: It's not easy, especially for first-time parents to gauge what's normal. If in fact normal exists at all? Jade Van Gestes: What is normal? I don't know. I mean there is certainly things that she does that makes me question 'I am doing the right job, or whatever?' Emma Hardwick: Oh, he'll rearrange the furniture so it is all matching. And all lined up and he will fix the towel. Yeah, just funny quirky things. Like if he tries to close something if we are in a rush, and I say 'just leave it mate'. He has to do it then and there, on the spot, and if I don't let him. Whoa betide! Kids: I don't do what my mum says. If she says go and tidy my room, I say 'no'. I don't do my homework. Ross Greenwood: With so many doubts and natural parental insecurities, child behavioural expert and "supermum" Terry Hardwick, is in search of answers as to why our children seem so much more challenging. Terri Hardwick: Some of these children with these challenging behaviours can be helped by just supportive, consistent parenting. The incidence of ADHD definitely has increased, and I think there are probably a lot of reasons for that. I mean, we are more aware of what causes it now. We know that it is a biological problem that children's thought patterns are affected when they have ADHD, which is why medication does help in some cases, but on the other side of the coin I think parents today are so busy. We're looking for the quick fix. Terri Hardwick: 'Well it's great that we are all able to come together tonight'. Ross Greenwood: Terry has six children and three grandchildren, and three decades of parenting experience. She also runs an Australian network of support for mothers called Mothertime and is the author of Parenting Inc. Terry admits it's normal to expect road blocks throughout the parenting journey, starting with the seemingly basic tasks for babies and toddlers, like eating and sleeping. Terri Hardwick: Meal times can become such a battle, and it's almost like both parties put on their armour, you know? But the moment we take the pressure off, that is when positive change seems to happen. Ross Greenwood: But trying telling that to parents living through their own nightmare. Jo Riccioni: I think it was a nervous thing really. She went through a stage where she wouldn't stop picking her face. It was actually a nervous pick, which she used to do when she was upset about something, or tired. Terri Hardwick: Most people expect two year olds to throw tantrums, do some biting, some hitting, you know. They don't have that emotional regulation yet but if you see that in a six or seven-year-old, if your child is still doing those things, then obviously that probably is not normal and you would be looking to go and get some help about that. Ross Greenwood: But before any parent goes rushing off to a clinical psychologist, Terry says it's important to first look at your role, and all your options, as a parent. A key to good parenting, she says, is that old mantra: the amount of quality time spent with the child. Terri Hardwick: It's like being a coach. Coaches have to repeat, repeat, repeat, you know? Their conditioning, and the way they train their teams. And that is what we are like as parents. It's repetition, repetition, reinforcement, reinforcement. Ross Greenwood: But sometimes behaviour goes beyond "normal"or what is developmentally appropriate for a certain age. It's a sad reality that these days our children are subject and exposed to more trauma than ever before, due partly to media, popular role models, and societies expectations for perfection. As a result, children have more worries and are suffering from increasing anxiety disorders. Child psychologist Dr Marilyn Campbell from Queensland University of Technology has just completed a study that found one in five children are "excessively anxious". Dr Marilyn Campbell: Most people know about ADHD and about Aspergers Syndrome, which is about three to four percent of children who would suffer from these disorders, yet anxiety is obviously about double or triple that and yet we are not hearing about those children. Ross Greenwood: So what separates an anxious child from any other? Well aside from being very sensitive, anxious children are often perfectionists, and hence fear failure, they worry excessively and think the worst, and quite often they are shy. Dr Marilyn Campbell: It is the intensity of the fear, and the duration of the fear, so that of course, all kids go through some fear stages that we know are developmentally normal, but anxious children are more anxious, they have more intense fears, they have more stomach aches and headaches. They can't face a lot of things, and it goes on for a long time, or it is age inappropriate. Ross Greenwood: Parents should be alarmed to hear that they can actually contribute to their child's anxiousness, as anxious parents create anxious children. Jenny Smith: Well we live on Scotland Island where you have to run for ferries all the time, and if I let them know that we are running or that I am frustrated and hurrying, then they all lose it and start screaming, and it slows down the pace quite a bit. Whereas if I try and stay really relaxed and try to walk casually but quite quickly, they all walk quickly as well and they don't pick up on my anxiety. Dr Marilyn Campbell: There is some evidence that anxiety disorders are familial. That is, that they do run in families. And sometimes anxious parents will inadvertently maintain the anxiety in their anxious child. Ross Greenwood: But even with all good intents, and model parenting, the realities of life can still cause fears in not just children, but adults as well. While parents should act as a buffer to what their child is exposed to via mass media, it is not foolproof in shielding our children from images like these. Terri Hardwick: I know when September 11 happened, I was working with some children at that time and they were playing funerals, they were actually building coffins out of waffle blocks, because I suppose they were basically sort of negotiating all of those things that they had seen, into their play. They were trying to understand them. Ross Greenwood: Terry recommends limiting graphic images in news or movies, especially for toddlers — read newspaper instead, so graphic images are limited. Cathie Mowbray: If they are exposed to something like constant swearing, and it's accepted by everybody else and it is accepted in the shows that they are watching and in the people they are modelling, then what else are they expected to think, accept that it is acceptable. Ross Greenwood: It's a fine balance, as overprotecting a child can do more harm than good. After all, not all anxiety is bad for us. Dr Marilyn Campbell: When they are little, there are monsters under the bed, or they are afraid of moving to a new school, and they are normal fears, and they get over them and they grow out of them. But there is a significant minority of children who actually don't grow out of them. Ross Greenwood: So how does a parent help an anxious child, and avoid further disorders such as depression and substance abuse when they get older? Dr Marilyn Campbell: I think that being very strict and having firm boundaries, is extremely important for all children. Routine is very important for anxious children, that is, why they do quite well at school, because there are those boundaries. Not giving in to them too easily is very, very important. Even though your child might be fairly helpless at being able to confront their fears, then just give them some coping strategies and let them be a little distressed to be able to get over it. That's much better than putting them in cotton wool and making sure that they never have to face anything that is difficult. Ross Greenwood: Support Groups like Mothertime also offer support to struggling parents, so they don't feel like they are battling alone. Tonight Louise Deibe and her family are hosting their local group. Once a month, groups of "Mothertime" mums meet in a social setting to help each other out. There are around 30 separate groups working through their problems, across the country. Terri Hardwick: Our topic for this month is how to cope with "abnormal behaviour" in our children. What is normal? What is abnormal? Mother: The tantrum ended eventually. It must have been a good tantrum? Yeah it was a whopper. Mother: My son used to bang his head on the floor whenever he got frustrated, and I thought well if he is normal now, he's not going to end up normal. Mother: The initial thought is, she is completely mental. I said to my husband, 'She is completely mental. What am I going to do?' Ross Greenwood: So is this the real issue here? Is this the problem with the parents and not the kids? Terri Hardwick: Well no, I think it is both ways. You know it can be that we have a child that has been blessed with a very difficult temperament, and they are tricky to parent. But if the problem is extreme, getting a professional medical assessment is definitely encouraged. Ross Greenwood: Okay, so what age is it normal for a kid to get out of their parent's bed? Mother: I've still got an eight-year-old that is still in my bed. But we're talking maybe we're going to have to see the child psychologist now. Terri Hardwick: It's the extremes of behaviour that we have to look at, children hurting themselves, and without any provocation, continually and persistently hurting other children. It's those extremes of behaviour and intensity of emotion. Ross Greenwood: Clinical psychologist Dr James Donnelly is from the Sydney Children's Hospital at Randwick. He reassures parents that the occurrence of severe mental disorder is relatively low, but parents should always trust their instincts if they suspect some problem. Dr James Donnelly: Just their capacity to manage their behaviour in social situations, so in some cases the child with ADHD has tremendous difficulty in sitting still and attending to the same thing for more than 10 or 15 seconds. Dr James Donnelly: 'Are there times you feel sad?' Ross Greenwood: He's putting six-year-old Taylor Atkins through these tests as part of the assessment process that uses puzzles, drawing, word games and verbal skills. Dr James Donnelly: We try to reassure them and do comprehensive assessments to find out whether the child really qualifies for the diagnosis of a serious mental or physical illness as opposed to difficulty adjusting. Dr James Donnelly: 'So what we are going to do, I'm going to build some things with blocks. Okay, and what I want you to do, is I want you to make one just like mine'. Dr James Donnelly: As far as judging if it is normal, or not, is to think about is it really causing the child to be dysfunctional. Is it getting in their way of socialising and relating to others, and doing the things that they enjoy in their life? Ross Greenwood: And little three-year-old Edward Bishop is being put through his paces. Nurse: 'Now Edward, I want you to listen first. Could you draw a line from the racing car all the way along the track to the finish line?' Dr James Donnelly: It gives us a behavioural sample. It lets us know how a child engages with an adult. And in this case it is a fairly novel situation where they are asked questions and they have to respond. So we just get a general sense of their ability to cooperate and pay attention for an extended period of time. Nurse: 'I'll show you what I mean, Edward. Here is the racing car and he is going to go down the track. Down here'. Ross Greenwood: While parents and children face increasing challenges, Terry says it's important not to lower our standards in how we expect our children to behave. Regardless of whether they are perceived to be "normal" or not. Terri Hardwick: I was working in a centre once where a mum came to pick up her son, he came up to her and put his hand on his hip and said 'Get my bag, woman'. And the mum laughed and went and got the bag, and it was like looking at Bart Simpson. Except it wasn't funny. Geoff Brown: I grew up in an area where you were still disciplined at school, and it was the old clip over the head, or the ear pulling or just a push on the shoulder, but you are not allowed to touch kids anymore through school, and I think the kids have cottoned on to that. And they are not sort of rebelling, but they are becoming less disciplined, in that respect, and I think it is all the way through society. Ross Greenwood: It's one thing to work out whether our children have got a problem that actually needs treatment. It's another thing trying to work out this whole normal thing. After all, do we really want normal children? Some of the world's great creators, innovators and entrepreneurs have been barely normal. I kind of guess what we are really looking for in our children, is happiness. Jo Riccioni: Sometimes, if they want to be an individual, I think that is a positive thing, especially in our society today, it is producing a whole nation of clones to be quite honest. I would be quite grateful if my kids showed some signs of individuality, as long as that is not anti-social behaviour. Terri Hardwick: So never underestimate that if you can get alongside your children and train them up, and then help them to overcome those perceived weaknesses, they will one day become strengths. And they are the kind of people that make their mark in the world. Click here for a printer-friendly version. |
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
